


if i'm being honest

by prouveyrac



Category: TAZ Balance - Fandom, The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, M/M, Post-Canon, kravitz is there to catch him when he falls, taako has a lot to deal with after wonderland
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-01
Updated: 2019-02-01
Packaged: 2019-10-20 14:50:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17624459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prouveyrac/pseuds/prouveyrac
Summary: “You know I love you.”“Do you? I-I know that’s a shitty thing to say, okay? I just- I’m not doubting you. Or, fuck, maybe, but it’s not you- yes, I know, biggest cliche ever, but- It’s me.”Taako didn’t get to think about Wonderland after it happened, not really. No matter how big it seemed at the time, even Taako could admit that it wasn’t quite comparable to the end of the world. But now he had time to think.(based on dodie's "if i'm being honest")





	if i'm being honest

**Author's Note:**

> tw: insecurity, doubts, hurt/comfort, some angst (but it's a happy end)
> 
> i can't make taako and kravitz Not have a happy end i love them too much
> 
> also i 10/10 recommend listening to "if i'm being honest" by dodie because it gives me such post-wonderland taako vibes, hence this fic

Taako was _ Taako _ , you know, from TV? Taako, who saved his world and every other world that existed? Taako, who was able to transmute the glassed-over Phandalin into an entrance to the Astral Plane so that not only could Legion come over and fuck up whatever the Hunger was throwing at them, but also so that he could save his super cool boyfriend,  _ the Grim Reaper?  _

Taako, who was alive and had his sister back and a life ahead of him that seemed, for once, ready for whatever he had coming for it?

Yeah,  _ that _ Taako.

The world wasn’t a ticking time bomb anymore and he had a house and a boyfriend who stayed over in that house more than not and a totally awesome School of Magic in the making (take  _ that,  _ Nerd Lord) and, like, a chance to actually live out the life expectancy of elves.

By all intents and purposes, Taako was fucking _ stacked _ .

And yet, as Taako straightened up in front of his bathroom sink, his blond hair pulled messily into a bun that flopped on top of his head, water dripping down his face as his hand was frozen in the midway point of grabbing a towel, he realized something.

By all intents and purposes, Taako was fucking stacked, and, despite all of that, he felt…  _ bad _ .

It had been just over a month since they defeated the Hunger and, though it was slow, Feyrun was recovering.

People though, Taako found, took even slower.

His nightmares had come back in full force. They never left, but they were always… indecipherable. He would be alone, missing something—some _ one _ , he would soon realize—so crucial, something that he could never find. He would be alone, always alone, never once having been not alone.

And then he found the someone, and she was back, and she didn’t have a body, not yet, but she was there, and that should’ve been enough.

But nightmares were never that simple. One nightmare would come to an end only for a new one to begin, and Taako was alone, once again, sitting in a dark abyss. _ Left _ in a dark abyss. These hurt more than the old ones. It was one thing to be alone from the start; it was a whole different game to be left alone.

And he would wake up choking on seizing breaths, refusing to let himself reach for the man lying next to him because what if he wasn’t there? What if he, one night, decided to up and leave? Said to himself “this isn’t what I signed up for” and high-tailed it to the depths of the Astral Plane?

What if he said to Taako, “you aren’t what I signed up for?” Said, “not when you’re like this?”

Taako had been alone, left alone, for so long that, if he was being honest, a part of him expected it.

Taako stared at his reflection above the bathroom counter, and his reflection—his reflection with dull eyes, with hair that no longer shone, with cheeks and a forehead marred with scars that he swore up and down wouldn’t be there—blinked back at him.

After all, he was scared Taako, plain Taako.

By all intents and purposes, Taako had everything going for him but, if he was being honest, none of it did shit for him.

He took one last look at the picture in the mirror and, jutting his chin up, disguised himself.

* * *

 

Taako didn’t get to think about Wonderland after it happened, not really. Wonderland happened, they got out of it (though he used the phrase “got out” loosely since one of them was, well, _ a mannequin _ ), and then the world was ending. In all that, one didn’t really get to think about what they gave up. No matter how big it seemed at the time, even Taako could admit that it wasn’t quite comparable to the end of the world. 

But now he had time to think, and it was Lup, actually, who made him think back on it.

_ “You know,” Lup had said to him, her spectral form bumping against Taako’s shoulder as much as she could. They were at a bar in Neverwinter after another long day of being heroes and, personally, Taako had been ready to go to fucking sleep, but he wasn’t about to take shit for turning in earlier than, like, _ **_Barry_ ** _ , for instance. The nerd probably went to bed at seven-thirty. “Watching my body be made is pretty fucking weird. Cool, but still fucking weird.” _

_ Taako had laughed and the thought of Lup finally being back in her body had been enough to zap some bit of energy into him. “Is it?” _

_ “Yeah, my dude,” Lup had said and, even in her spectral form, Taako could tell she was smiling. “The RQ is a true MVP because ‘building a body’ is  _ **_definitely_ ** _ up there with illegal necromancer shit.” _

_ Taako smirked. “I’ll tell Krav you said thanks.” _

_ “Make sure to tell him that I’m _ **_really_ ** _ grateful so he doesn’t regret his decision later. You know, I guess my hair was getting pretty long when I kicked it—well, I was _ **_murdered,_ ** _ but that’s so dark—but it made me realize that we can actually mess with people. We’ll finally be around people who haven’t always known us as twins, so I think we can get some good shit in and-” _

_ Taako shook his head, still laughing. “Forget it, Lu, we’re not identical anymore.” _

_ Taako hadn’t been thinking when he said it. Or, more so, hadn’t been thinking  _ **_hard_ ** _ about it. In all that time after Wonderland, what with remembering Lup and all, he never consciously thought about how the two of them could actually be told apart now but, with what he just said, he realized that he always _ **_knew_ ** _ it. Take the disguise off, and Taako didn’t have the elven beauty that Lup still did, and always would. _

_ Taako had been laughing when he said it, but it soon died down when he felt Lup staring at him. And they were silent for a moment. _

_ And then Lup had said, “Oh.” _

_ And then Taako had said in return, “Yeah.” _

_ It was a weird standstill to be at. Taako was vain. He wouldn’t even try to hide it. He valued his looks and, even with being able to disguise himself, it felt… wrong. Like it was something artificial that people would see through and see that Taako was actually- _

_ He cut his thoughts off with a huffed breath. _

_ “Well,” Lup had finally said. “Good thing I fucking destroyed that Edward guy.” _

_ Lup knew what their looks meant for them. They could change their hair, but they were still identical. They were a pair; they were TaakoandLup.  _

_ Not only that, they knew what it was like to need to be talented, need to be  _ **_pretty_ ** _ , to be seen as something of value. _

_ Taako huffed out something that could’ve sounded like a laugh. “Yeah, well, liches get stitches.” _

Taako didn’t think about Wonderland a lot right after it happened, he barely had the time to, but now he couldn’t get it out of his head. It’d been two weeks since he had that conversation with Lup, and it just played in constant repeat in his mind.

It was fine. He could disguise himself. He and Lup would still look alike with that. Kravitz said he was okay with it, too. Kravitz said that he loved him long before the day of Story and Song. Kravitz said that everyone would love him.

Kravitz wouldn’t lie to him. Kravitz wouldn’t do that to him. Kravitz knew that Taako hated pity and would rather he tell him right then and there that he was walking away than stay because he felt like he had to.

But when Taako was in a position that he had been in so many times before—frozen in front of the mirror, hair a mess and in a state of half-undress, blinking stupidly at the reflection he was still getting used to—he found that once-steadfast mindset wavering.

Taako had just saved Kravitz from, like, drowning in the Astral Plane. Of course he would be grateful for that. What would he have said, “thanks for saving my ass but, sorry, you mean shit to me now?” No, Kravitz was a gentleman.

Taako was stuck debating with himself about whether “a gentleman” meant “Kravitz loves Taako no matter what he looks like because he loves Taako for Taako” or “Kravitz would feel too guilty if he left Taako then and there so he’s waiting for the perfect moment when Taako fucks up and he can seamlessly leave” when someone cleared their throat behind him.

Taako jolted, immediately thrown back into motion as his hand continue its movement and his fist gripped tightly on the towel he had set aside.

His eyes flicked in the mirror and, upon seeing the man standing behind him, he forced a smirk on his face. 

Speak of the Devil. Or, more accurately, the Grim Reaper.

“ ‘S rude to stare, Krav,” Taako mumbled into the towel, drying off his face.

“Just enjoying the view.”

Something in Taako’s stomach twisted tight; tight enough to send a shock through his body, as if the ground had just opened up beneath him.

And then he took the towel away from his face and, refusing to look back at Kravitz in the reflection, set it down on the counter. “Why’d you interrupt then, my man?”

“Well, your cool, wistful look started to become a bit too distressed for my liking,” Kravitz said and, flicking his eyes up quickly, Taako watched him take a step in, and another. “And I just don’t think it’d be right if I found that all, you know, hot-and-bothering.”

Kravitz was smiling. He was kidding around. Taako _ knew _ that. Taako knew  _ Kravitz _ . Taako not giving Kravitz the hots with his less-than-thrilled expression (which Taako was mentally kicking himself for letting slip through) was fine. Frankly, if Kravitz got off on Taako being in distress, they would have a problem. That would be  _ a lot _ to unpack.

Kravitz was still smiling. Taako plastered on a smile and a forced laugh that sounded just that. “Like you’re not always hot and bothered by me.”

Kravitz, coming up behind Taako, wrapped his arms around his bare waist, resting his chin in the crook between Taako’s shoulder and neck. His stubble tickled against Taako’s skin, sending goosebumps down his spine. “While that is true,” Kravitz said, adding a wink for a final touch, “I do occasionally have to be a good boyfriend and see that you’re alright.”

“How charming,” Taako murmured, tearing his eyes from the reflection of the two of them. He wished he had more to do with his hands. His skincare routine for the night was already finished, he couldn’t brush his hair with Kravitz wrapped around him, his shirt was discarded in the corner to be washed tomorrow- he flexed his fingers, curling them in to press his nails into his palms before extending them again. “I’m swooning.”

“I bet you are,” Kravitz said, sounding just as distant as Taako did, which meant that Kravitz was studying Taako. Because of course he was. Of fucking course. He was staring, and Taako had always been stared at. Taako had always been scrutinized, and that had to be what Kravitz was doing. Picking out the flaws he saw. Noting the ruddy redness of Taako’s cheeks, the tired eyes that never went away after the final encounter with the Hunger, the way his eyes didn’t shine anymore and the scars that decided to finally make their appearance years after the initial injury and  _ fuck he should have put his disguise on _ \- “So?”

“So what?” Taako’s voice was clipped, tight, quick. He felt sick, and Kravitz’s weight on his back, his arms restricting Taako’s waist, just made his skin crawl. Kravitz was warm against him, but Taako felt as if his own skin was going cold and clammy and _ gross _ .

“Are you alright?” Kravitz asked, and his voice was _ so soft, _ like he hadn’t heard the strain in Taako’s voice. Like he didn’t mind it, or like he didn’t want to pay attention to it.

Taako’s breath felt like it was catching in his throat. It took him two tries to finally get out, “ ‘M doing great.”

“You looked deep in thought,” Kravitz commented. It was his way of pressing further while still staying safe. He knew how Taako was with opening up: one wrong move, and Taako was putting his heart back in its lock-box. He pushed forward while still letting Taako set the pace.

And Taako loved Kravitz. Loved him with his entire being. So much so that it actually  _ terrified  _ Taako. Kravitz held Taako’s heart, as locked up as it was, in his hands, and he was always so gentle, so kind.

But, finally, Taako looked up at Kravitz in the mirror and waited for him to tighten his grip. To choke out Taako’s heart and leave it withered and broken and used, discarded on the tiled floor as he packed up his stuff and walked out.

Taako didn’t know what was worse: the weight he felt for doubting Kravitz or the wait for those doubts to come true.

Kravitz was looking at him, waiting for an answer.

“I was-” Taako began, and his voice sounded so small. He shut his mouth before trying again. “Just thinking.” 

Kravitz noted the composure Taako had to regain, and he narrowed his dark eyes at Taako’s reflection. “About what?”

“Stuff.”

Kravitz chuckled. “Well, yes, I assumed that,” he said.

And then he pressed a kiss to the back of Taako’s shoulder.

And that was what finally did Taako over.

“Please don’t,” he choked out, and he was so fixated on how weak and broken he sounded that he barely noticed how quickly Kravitz stepped back from him, throwing his hands up slightly in the process. “Please, just.  _ Don’t. _ ”

In the mirror, Taako could see the confusion on Kravitz’s face, the furrowed eyebrows and gaping mouth. If this was any other typical day, Taako would have teased Kravitz for being so lost for words, but this wasn’t any other typical day. “Taako, love-”

“ _ Kravitz- _ ” And Taako was pleading now, shaking his head over and over as, pathetically, he felt his eyes start to burn “-Stop,  _ please _ . Don’t say- just, please,  _ don’t _ . Don’t say that! Not- not unless you mean it and-”

Taako broke himself off, scrunching up his face and looking away. Behind him, Kravitz’s silence was deafening but, even with the ringing in his ears, Taako could hear him release a breath.

Taako swallowed thickly and looked up again.

Behind, Kravitz was staring at him, mouth hung open. Taako watched as he took another slow step back. An apology was on the tip of his tongue—an apology for lashing out, an apology for being like this—and it looked like Kravitz was stuck in the same boat.

Instead, Taako averted his eyes once more; instead, Kravitz said, “Taako… what’s going on? Is- is there something I did or-”

Taako cut him off with a laugh, finally turning around to face Kravitz. He leaned on the counter, looking up at the ceiling, shaking his head. “Not you, bubbalah.”

“Really?” Kravitz asked. Taako didn’t even have to look at him; he could just hear the eyebrow raise neatly tied in with the disbelief. “Because if there’s something-”

“Are you sure about this?” Taako cut in. He looked down, and- yep, there was the classic raised eyebrow.

Kravitz stared. “Sure about what?”

“This.” Taako waved a hand around the room. “Me, I guess.”

Kravitz balked. “With- this? You? Taako, what do you-” And, then, Kravitz paused. His dark eyes narrowed, just slightly, and, suddenly, his expression softened. It was subtle, but Taako liked to think himself proficient in picking up subtle cues, and, in result, Taako was mentally kicking himself over and over.

Kravitz was  _ Kravitz _ , and Kravitz was wonderful, and Kravitz knew what this was about.

“Taako,” Kravitz said, and his voice was so soft, so full of love, that Taako felt like he was choking on it. “You know I love you.”

It was such a simple statement. Kravitz loved Taako, and Taako knew that. Fuck, Taako loved Kravitz so much, too. 

But… but the doubt that had etched its way into Taako’s mind, the thought that Kravitz was waiting on bated breath to leave… it felt like it was killing him.

“Do you?” Taako asked, and the look on Kravitz’s face washed a wave of guilt over him. “I-I know that’s a shitty thing to say, okay? I just- I’m not doubting you. Or, fuck, maybe, but it’s not  _ you _ \- yes, I know, biggest cliche ever, but-” Pathetically, he laughed again and shook his head. He gestured to his face, trying to make it as blasé as possible, but the weight of that small movement was still felt between the two of them. “It’s me.”

“Taako-”

“I know what you said,” Taako pressed on. If he didn’t say what he wanted to now, he never would. “But- but a lot of shit was going on at the time, you know? I, like, just saved your life. That was pretty fucking baller of me. But… I’m different now, okay? I-I look different and, like, a lot of fucked up things happened that day and-” He released a shaky breath, looking down. “I know I’m a lot, okay? I know I’m Taako, chill Taako, Taako, you know, from TV? But-” He looked back up, right into Kravitz’s eyes. “If you don’t want this, or can’t… I’m giving you another out.”

Kravitz was silent for a moment, and Taako was silent for another. And, then, Kravitz took a step forward. And another. And another, until he was only a few inches from Taako and, carefully, he held a single hand out. Taako warily eyed him, looking up from his face, down to his hand, and then back to his face.

Kravitz smiled.

Taako finally slipped his hand into Kravitz’s and, gently, Kravitz ran his thumb over Taako’s hand.

“I know that things have been hard,” Kravitz began. “I- We all experienced whatever the  _ fuck  _ the Hunger was-” Taako managed to chuckle at that, and Kravitz beamed “-but I know that you—and Magnus and Merle, but this is about  _ you _ —went through something, a  _ lot _ of things, that I can’t imagine. And I know you’ve been through centuries of things that seemed pretty rough-”

“You don’t gotta put me on blast for my age,” Taako mumbled.

“You don’t look a day over a-hundred-and-twelve,” Kravitz said, smiling and squeezing his hand. “But that’s exactly what I mean. Taako-” He huffed, shaking his head “-I know that people are not so simple in that insecurities can be brushed away with a few words, but I’ve loved you for- for  _ so fucking long _ , Taako! I was smitten with you not long after you tried to, and I quote, tentacle my dick, and I was already madly, wildly in love with you before the Hunger struck.” Taako eyed him. “And before those liches tried to dismember all of you.”

“Liches get stitches.”

“Liches do, in fact, get stitches,” Kravitz agreed, nodding. They both shared a look before laughing softly, and Kravitz squeezed Taako’s hand again. “I know what they took from you was rough, but-”

“They took my beauty, Krav,” Taako said.

Kravitz shook his head. “But they didn’t, Taako,” Kravitz said. “What did those liches know of beauty? They were spectral, and not even the good kind of spectral.”

“The shitty kind of spectral.”

“The terribly shitty kind of spectral,” Kravitz said, nodding. “But- you? You-” He released a breath “-I know words can only do so much, but,  _ Taako _ , you are one of the most beautiful people I have ever seen.”

Taako raised an eyebrow. “Even when I look like this?”

“No ‘even,’” Kravitz said, shaking his head. With his free hand, he cupped Taako’s face and gently caressed his cheek. “Magic or not, I think you’re so incredibly beautiful. Inside and out. And if I love you? If I _can?_ ” He bumped their foreheads together. “Of course I can, and do. I could wax poetry for ages upon ages, which we do have the time for, but, right now? I just want to say that, Taako—yes, you, the one from TV—I love you with every ounce of my being, skeletal and not. I love you, I love you, _I. Love. You._ ”

Taako couldn’t help but smile, his eyes burning as the corners of his vision misted. He looked down, clenching his eyes shut tight, and Kravitz pressed a kiss to the top of his head.

“I love you,” Taako whispered.

“I love you, too,” Kravitz murmured.

“I’m sorry I freaked out on you.”

“No apologies necessary.”

“It wasn’t cool of me.”

“Taako, babe,” Kravitz said, tilting Taako’s head back up. “You’re okay.  _ We’re _ okay.”

Taako nodded and, slowly, closed the small gap between them. Kravitz’s lips were soft and gentle against his own, and Taako relished in it.

“Besides, you couldn’t get rid of me even if you tried,” Kravitz said once he pulled away. “You did kind of make a deal with Death.”

Taako smirked. “I could never do that to the RQ. She likes me too much.”

Kravitz sighed, nodding. “I think she would throw me in the Eternal Stockade if that happened.”

Taako then laughed, and it bloomed warmth throughout his chest, and Kravitz laughed, too.

Things sometimes sucked, really fucking sucked, but at least he had Kravitz with him to meet him where he fell and, with gentle hands (skeletal or not, Taako didn’t mind), pull him back up.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!! i hope you enjoyed!! <3
> 
> ohsweetflips.tumblr.com currently accepting taz balance/amnesty prompts :)


End file.
